Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone! Halloween is one of my favorite holidays and Ireland was so cute as a little kitten this year. Aunt Ashley bought her the costume for her birthday and it was so adorable. We went Trick or Treating with Chris, his girlfriend Heather and her son Zach, and her ex, Zach's dad Jeff. I know, a little wierd, but such is my life, and I just want my daughter to be happy. The kids had a great time and that's what counts. Then we went and saw Jessica, Hailey and Ava. Hailey was Hannah Montana and Ava was a fairy. So cute. Things have been going okay, back to work tommorrow night, probably gonna be a crazy night, Meadows is having a big halloween party with lots of money and prizes for the costume contest. I switched with Roxanne so I'm not going in til 6. We did the finger down our throat gag until we throw up, then laugh histerically about it again at breakfast this morning. So no more oatmeal for us, obviously she does not like it anymore. We don't want baby food now, just big girl food. We had pancakes the other day and loved those. Mommy's off to bed now, hopefully Ireland sleeps through the night cause she has some big old molars coming in and a very snotty nose. She also has mostly lost her voice, which is sad, but too cute. Goodnight

Trying to do the right thing

Today was the wonderful day of mediation, after six months of legal back and forth Chris and I finally sat down with our lawyers and figured things out. Here is what we decided. We have joint legal custody but I have primary physical custody and he has visitation. He gets her every other Monday night to Wed afternoon and every other Thursday over night in the off weeks. Do I really like this idea, no, but I really had no choice, I wanted it over and I did not want to spend months or years in court, I cannot afford that. This is going to be really hard for me because for a year I have done everything on my own and now I have to be away from her, actually away because he will be taking her to Missouri those weekends and what mom wants that, it's just not fair. But nothing ever is, is it? I asked him to come over after we got done so we could just talk about things. We were up in my room cleaning and when he tried to pick her up and hold her she threw a fit, squirming and crying. He said, "oh you're breaking my heart" and I think he actually meant it, it didn't make me happy in anyway, it was just sad. But what did he expect, she has no idea who he is. We're going to try to be friends, and leave the past behind us, but he has a bad attitude about it and says it probably won't work. If that's what he really thinks then he's right, it won't work. He needs to realize that and actually try, we'll see, I'm smart enough not to have any big hopes about it, I've been burned by him too many times to be that stupid. I just want what's best for my daughter, I want her to be happy and loved. So that was my day today, not too great, but alot better than it could have been I'm sure. Brianne came and took Ireland to a trick or treat thing with Brayden tonight and then she's spending the night, I'll go see her in a little bit. This is so hard. I wonder what it would be like to actually have a man who loves me and wants to be a family, my poor baby she deserves that much and I couldn't give it to her, it makes me feel like such a failure. I think I'm done writing for now, I'll try to update again soon.

Growing so fast

Ireland's birthday was a week and a half ago, on the 8th. I cannot believe my baby girl is one year old, and less of a baby every day. Her party was excellent, even though it did about bankrupt mommy, it was a great time. We had a bbq and bonfire at my house and lots of our friends and family came to celebrate. Her Aunt Britney and Uncle Ryan even drove up for a quick one night visit from Missouri so they could be there for her. She got so many presents it was ridiculous! And she had a great time ripping all the paper off, and she dug into her little cake. I'm still trying to get it out of all the cracks in her hi-chair. So a big huge thank you to all our friends and family and everyone who we love that was there for her big day. And yes her father did show up after much guilt tripping by his sister, me, and probably Heather too. For all it was worth he might as well have not been there, he sat on the couch for a couple hours, then sat out by the fire for a couple hours, didn't talk to me, didn't try to hold her or play with her. I wanted a picture of the three of us for her to have later and when I tried to give her to him to hold she threw the only screaming fit of the night, it was pretty much just sad. The whole situation with him usually just makes me very sad anymore. How it got so horribly wrong I don't know, but I don't really see it ever being fixed, which is so not fair to any of us, but life's not fair right. Anyway, my little boo is growing so fast and doing so many cute and funny and even naughty things. She's obsessed with the dog, who is not her biggest fan, she follows him around everywhere and grabs him and climbs on him. If you tell her to give him lovey she hugs him and cuddles him and it is so freaking cute. She takes steps, but no official walking yet. She hates having her diaper or clothes changed and besides me my dad is her favorite person in the world. She won't have anything to do with my mom after 9 at night because she knows Grandma's the one who puts her to bed. If mom even looks at her she makes a mean little face and runs away. Aunt Ashley got her a little leather chair for her birthday which she loves, if anyone else sits in it or puts their feet up on it she comes over and yells and pushes until you move out of her way. She climbs everything, stairs, the babygate, shelves, furniture, into the diswasher. If she can get a hold on it, she's there. She hates when I clip her fingernails and she bit the hell out of my arm the other day when I was trying to trim those little claws that will gouge your skin. She got mad when I was cleaning the kitchen and she was stuck in her high chair so she stuck her finger down her throat until she finally threw up. She's only ONE! I don't even know what to do about that, but she thought it was hilarious and was laughing forever, like ha-ha, screw you mom leaving me in here and not letting me climb in the dishwasher. I've done some research on it and I guess it's pretty common for kids to threaten their parents with this. But no matter what, we still have a great time, we play all day and we still love our baths and going bowling and anywhere with mommy. As for me, I'm still pretty much hating my job, but it's a good job that pays the bills (I have alot of bills, a year of raising a child by myself has put me in more debt than I ever thought possible) And hopefully work will get better, there's some big changes going on right now so we will see, and I do get more sleep getting off at midnight instead of two. October 28th is the big day for mediation with Chris and our lawyers, I'm sure that will not be emotionally traumatic at all. We shall see. I'll keep you guys posted. Gotta get ready for work now. Enjoy the pictures! Oh and exciting news, I'm going to be an aunt and Ireland will get a little cousin in may. My sister Ashley is expecting her first child with her boyfriend Nick. Yay little Asian baby! (Nick is Korean) I can't wait to have another baby in our family!

I promise I'll do better!

I know, I know, it's been like five months since I've updated this. I just got so busy and it was hard to keep up, but I got severly admonished this weekend at the Theta reunion, so here it is guys, and I promise to do much better. So where to start now. Tommorrow morning at 3:04 am Ireland will be ONE! I can't believe it! My little baby is a whole year old! Mommy is going to do some serious crying, but it will be happy crying too. She is such a wonderful gift to me. She has beautiful blonde curly hair now (finally!) and gorgeous blue eyes. Eight teeth so far and more on the way. She crawls like a little machine and she took her first steps a couple of weeks ago. Not officially walking yet but makes the effort alot, which is so cute. It also involves lots of falling down which leads to lots of bruises and bump, which make mommy sad, but are part of growing up. She just loves to play all day long with me and the puppy and Grandma and Grandpa. She has the best laugh, it's my favorite sound in the world. I'm still working at the casino, but I changed my hours to four to midnight instead of six to two. It's only two hours but it makes a world of difference to me. Ireland sleeps really well, she goes down between 10 and 11 and will sleep anywhere from 8 to 10, so I am no longer a zombie all day. Occasionally when her teeth are bothering her she gets up in the middle of the night, but not too often. Kati, I gotta tell you, I think Tyler getting sick was our fault because when we got home Saturday there was a lot of puking and diarehha. And then she passed it on, taking us all out one by one. I lost 9 pounds in two days, it was horrible, but thankfully it's over now. So we're really sorry about that, and we're really glad you're okay after your nightmare on the interstate. But we had such a blast at the Theata reunion! It was so good to see everyone and meet all the babies. What a great day, so a huge thanks to Kim Higgins for getting that all together, I can't imagine the work it took. So, elsewhere in our lives, there is still all the lawyer stuff with Chris, which is moving along at a snails pace, like most legal things do. So far it's been filling out financial statements and drafting up what we both want. We're suppossed to be having mediation, who knows when that will be though. I just got some more paperwork from his lawyer which is a draft of everything he wants and it is absoutley rididculous, he must be out of his mind, I can't even write it in here because it makes me so crazy. He hasn't seen her for going on FIVE months now,and he thinks he's just going to demand what he wants from me! You've got to be kidding, the thought of him makes me sick. Suppossedly he's coming to her birthday party tommorrow, but we will see. If he does it will just be to put on a good face for all our friends who will be there. And he has the nerve to tell people I won't let him see her! PLEASE! Even after everything he has done to me and not done for her I have NEVER stopped him from seeing her whenever he wanted, but he doesn't. I try so hard not to let my pride stand in the way of what is best for my daughter, I wish he would do the same, but it's to the point where I'm pretty sure he'll never be what's best for her, he's pretty much just a sperm donor. His girlfriend e-mailed me and told me she was getting Ireland a pink princess couch for her birthday, and asking me if she needed anything else. Are you fing kidding me? I just didn't write back because if I had I would have said yes, she needs an fing father, and a years worth of diapers and formula, and clothes, and oh yeah, Love! God, okay, sorry for that rant. So tommorrow is the big party. I have a lot to do to get ready, and a stupid supervisor meeting at work today, so I gotta run, but I promise you'll be hearing alot more from us!