Trying to do the right thing

Today was the wonderful day of mediation, after six months of legal back and forth Chris and I finally sat down with our lawyers and figured things out. Here is what we decided. We have joint legal custody but I have primary physical custody and he has visitation. He gets her every other Monday night to Wed afternoon and every other Thursday over night in the off weeks. Do I really like this idea, no, but I really had no choice, I wanted it over and I did not want to spend months or years in court, I cannot afford that. This is going to be really hard for me because for a year I have done everything on my own and now I have to be away from her, actually away because he will be taking her to Missouri those weekends and what mom wants that, it's just not fair. But nothing ever is, is it? I asked him to come over after we got done so we could just talk about things. We were up in my room cleaning and when he tried to pick her up and hold her she threw a fit, squirming and crying. He said, "oh you're breaking my heart" and I think he actually meant it, it didn't make me happy in anyway, it was just sad. But what did he expect, she has no idea who he is. We're going to try to be friends, and leave the past behind us, but he has a bad attitude about it and says it probably won't work. If that's what he really thinks then he's right, it won't work. He needs to realize that and actually try, we'll see, I'm smart enough not to have any big hopes about it, I've been burned by him too many times to be that stupid. I just want what's best for my daughter, I want her to be happy and loved. So that was my day today, not too great, but alot better than it could have been I'm sure. Brianne came and took Ireland to a trick or treat thing with Brayden tonight and then she's spending the night, I'll go see her in a little bit. This is so hard. I wonder what it would be like to actually have a man who loves me and wants to be a family, my poor baby she deserves that much and I couldn't give it to her, it makes me feel like such a failure. I think I'm done writing for now, I'll try to update again soon.